“When Am I Going To Get A Girlfriend?”

Some days ago a friend asked me,

“Boonz, when are you going to get a girlfriend?”

Initially I felt slightly annoyed by that question because I knew my friend didn’t really care about my love life – nobody who asks a question like that really cares about your love life. It was pretty obvious to me that my friend asked me that question for the sake of conversation. Furthermore, I was stressed out enough already I really didn’t need to think about what else in my life I was lacking in.

But then again my friend wouldn’t have thought so much – after all it was just a harmless conversation starter. Eventually I just shrugged the question off.

But I thought about that question later and I wondered instead of asking when was I going to get a girlfriend, why didn’t my friend ask me when was I going to date someone? If you didn’t already realise, the premise of my friend’s question assumes that I am heterosexual. 

My point is, why didn’t my friend ask me that question in a manner that makes no assumption about my sexuality right from the start? 

Well it might be because,

1. I always look at girls with googly eyes so I was unquestionably straight 

OR

2. It could simply be because I am a boy, and boys, according to heteronormative ideals, date girls.

Heteronormativity is the belief that heterosexuality is treated as a given and it is the “default” sexuality that is widely accepted by society in general.

I have teased my friends about their love lives and asked them questions along the same line and I’m sure many of you have done the same. Here’s the catch: how many of you actually identify yourself as someone who supports or is at least tolerant of sexualities other than heterosexuality? 

I was thinking then if we say that we are supportive or tolerant of sexualities other than mainstream heterosexuality, but on a very intrinsic level still ask questions that assume a person’s sexuality, are we really as supportive or tolerant as we make ourselves out to be?

Think about it this way: imagine you have a friend who’s in the closet, you have no idea, they are not ready to tell people about their sexual preference and are struggling with their sexuality and identity. But time and again, you and many of their other friends keep asking them about their luck with the opposite gender, how are they with so-and-so from the opposite gender etc.

I would think that it is a very frustrating experience for that friend because essentially everyone keeps prodding them about a social norm (partnering with someone of the opposite gender) they have no intention to pursue. And the thing is, you will never know when you’re going to meet someone with struggles like that – the scenario that I’ve just described is really not that unlikely.

Besides asking people questions with inherent assumptions of their sexuality, one other thing that I feel we often gloss over is our use of sexual slurs.

When we feel that someone is weak, cowardly or when they don’t rise up to the occasion, we call them “gay”. When we see an effeminate man who doesn’t subscribe to heteronormative expectations, we call him “gay”. When we see an object that is too neon bright, we call it “gay”. The list of situations goes on. 

As people who claim to be supportive and tolerant of sexualities other than heterosexuality, we use the term “gay” and other sexual slurs in dismissive and derogatory manners far too often for comfort. And we don’t give second thoughts about it. 

So as people who claim to be supportive and tolerant of alternative sexualities, are we really fostering a supportive and tolerant environment for non-mainstream sexualities through our actions? 

However, I am acutely aware of all the efforts that have been put in to create an inclusive environment for non-mainstream sexualities. More and more people are stepping out to proclaim their support during events such as Pink Dot each year. Many Youtubers have made coming-out videos to inspire and help people who may be lost. Through a friend, I also heard of a shelter that was built to support the transgenders in Singapore, which I never knew about.

I won’t discredit any of those efforts. It is also not my intention to challenge the current societal heteronormative ideals. All I’m asking for is that we start thinking, for the sake of consistency, whether our actions align with what we claim to believe in and support.